Where Do I Put My Balls?

Every single day, billions of men have to ask themselves, “Where do I put my balls?” They have to be put somewhere, and according to most statutory law, they have to be out of sight! Within the limited possibilities of physics, men must find a solution to this dilemma every single moment.

The stakes are high. One slip up, and a man is down and out for at LEAST 10 minutes. In order to stay out of harm’s way, practice makes perfect. Doing yoga will heighten your ball awareness to a point where everyday ball constraints are a cake walk.

These specific poses will challenge your ball articulation. Don’t worry, they’re self-correcting, so if you’re doing them wrong, your balls will know!

Eagle

eagle

It’s hard to fly like an eagle if you’re writhing in pain on the ground. The inward squeeze between your legs provides an amazing adductor engagement and stretch to your hips, but it also has the potential to squeeze any ball bystanders. Keep your balls forward and in front of the massive crushing potential between your thighs!

Cobra

cobra

Save your balls from the cobra! Push them down and away from your torso so that they avoid the devastating “Cobra Bite” when your balls are pinched between your hips and the ground.

Seated Spinal Twist

seated twist

Twist out all that negative juju in this pose, but don’t let your balls get squeezed in the process! Let them glide out of the way of your torso and thigh coming together, obliterating anything in their path.

Chair

chair

Remember that scene from Ace Ventura where they find out that Einhorn is really Finkle? She would’ve gotten away if Dan Marino didn’t notice “The Tuck”. Unless you’re trying to hide them, avoid the tuck in chair pose at all costs! Instead, let your balls rest on the top of your inner thighs – unafraid, uninhibited, and ready for a world of possibility.

Bow

bow

This is where things get serious. If you don’t adjust before getting into bow pose, you’re gonna have a bad time. Push your balls down and away from the destructive force that is your pubic bone jamming into the ground. You’ll be happy you did!